


I always looked up to you

by Wetastethefreedomnow



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-05-09 17:36:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5549387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wetastethefreedomnow/pseuds/Wetastethefreedomnow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He briefly hugged Bucky one last time before seeing him getting on that bus. The blond went back to his apartment sat on the sofa and drank beer while hating himself. He hated that bus, he hated the army for taking in Bucky and leting steve behind. He hated the fact that his best friend was gone<br/>Of course he had shut his mouth. Of course he didn't say Bucky what he felt for him. What would it have change? Nothing, Bucky would have left him anyway. Maybe he would have stop talking to him, telling Bucky the truth would probably have destroyed their friendship anyway...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Don't go away

**Chapter one: Don't Go away**

They've been friend since so long, Steve can't even remember when it started. He remembers playing with Bucky on Brooklyn streets, going at the same school, having him by his side when he was sick, sometime Bucky skipped school to cheer him up especially when his mother had to go to work. That was when they were in primary school. Then, they went to junior high school. Steve started being bullied, he remembers taller people mocking him, beating him, and every time, Bucky was here to defend him. Always.

They are best friends. Buckyis one of the two person he genuinely loves in his life, the second is Sarah, his mother. Steve had bad memory of high school, still bullied, he was often getting into fights,but Buckywas here to save his ass and brighten his life. He was the first person to who Steve had said he was gay, Buckydidn't judge him he just said that he was bisexual and their sexual orientation wouldn't change anything to their friendship. They've been friends for so long, they built pillow castles together, in Steve's small living room.

Sarah was a nurse, it didn't pay much and she often did more hours to pay the rent. It's not easy to be a single mother, but she was the best. She and Steve lived in a very small flat, with bad air conditioning, moisture, and a broken elevator, they lived in the fifth floor or a shabby old building. Unlike Steve, Bucky lived in a big house, with his sister. His mother, Winifred, was a teacher, and his father, George, was a lawyer, a good one. He had very good living conditions and Steve never really understood why Bucky was so nice to him, they were from two different world.

He and Bucky were now young adults, they graduated and leaving senior year and at the same time high school was a relief for Steve. He got a scholarship to enter university, he studied art and history, drawing and painting were his passions and he wanted to be an artist, he dreamed about getting an exhibition in a big museum one of those days. All the while Bucky started his training to become a soldier...yeah, he entered the army. When they were younger they both wanted to be soldier and fight for their countries, but Steve couldn't, his health prevented him from doing a lot of stuff. He had asthma, he got pneumonia easily, and the flue his for him like an aunt, you might not see her for a while, but when she comes back, she is hard to get rid off.

***.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.***

The sun was shining outside, Steve was sitting on a bench, facing the Hudson, it was a little bit cold, after all, it was late November. The little blond guy was sketching the river, all those light reflections over the water were beautiful. It's been three months since Steve started college, he had made some friends, Sam and Natasha, he wasn't as close of them as he was with bucky, but it was nice to have people to be with time to time. Right now, he was alone on . Despite his bad hearing, he heard the tone of his phone ringing. It was probably the worst news of his life. Sarah had been sick for a long time and but he had kept hoping that she would have defeat the cancer, but the thing won. She died on a cold November afternoon. Steve felt the tears coming down his cheeks, still facing the river, praying for this day to be a bad dream, or this phone call a very bad prank, but it wasn't. Sarah, his mother was dead. He couldn't move for at least one hour before eventually leading toward the hospital. Steve had always hated hospitals, he spends a lot of time here over the years of different illnesses and now he had seen his mother lifeless body he hated even more. He signed some paper, and took the bag with his mother's stuff in it without really knowing what was happening. He left the hospital with the condolences of some nurses who used to work with Sarah and then he called Bucky who did not answer, of course, he is still training. When he gets back to his very small apartment he saw Bucky siting, his back to the front door he gets up and hugged Steve.

''I'm sorry pal! I really am. She was a great person!''

Yes she was! Of course, she was his mother after all. He looked up to see Bucky's face, he had cry, his eyes were a bit red.

''You did not have to come you know...you've got to work! I can deal with that... I'll be okay on my own''

Bucky put his right hand on Steve's shoulder, with a compassionate look ''The thing is you don't have to. 'Cuz I'm with till the end of the line pal''

***.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.***

The funeral had been real quick, there weren't many people. Some of Sarah's friend and Bucky were here to share this sad moment with Steve. He had cried all along. After that Bucky had stayed at Steve's apartment all night. He had given him his shoulder to cry on. Over the passing hours, he had succeeded to make Steve laugh a bit. It was important for Bucky to see his best friend at least smile, he wanted to be sure Steve would go through this hardship and get better real quick. A week after the funeral Bucky found Steve in a dark alley being beat by a way bigger guy than the blond. He came in and punch the guys face and kick him in the butt telling him to fight someone of his own size.

Bucky was in his army uniform, seeing the weird look on Steve's face he announced that he had received his assignment for a mission in Iraq. Steve's face turned white -whiter than it already was- a week ago he had buried his mom, and now he had to say goodbye to his best friend. Steve tried to stay cool for the rest of the day, playing it casual even though he wanted to beg for Bucky not to go, to stay with him he didn't want him to be away because he loved him. When Bucky left he had said nothing and convince himself he would do it the next day before Bucky get on that bus which would take him far away.

On the next morning Steve was at the base to say goodbye to Bucky next to his family, Rebecca and Winifred were crying, George was trying to cheer up his daughter and wife but he had hard time to hold back his own tears. He briefly hugged Bucky one last time.

"don't do anything stupid until I get back."

"how can I? You're taking all the stupid with you."

"you're a punk"

"jerk"

And there were the last words he said to Bucky before seeing him getting on that damn bus. He wanted to tell Bucky not to go away. He wanted him to stay. But those words were trapped inside his blond went back to his apartment sat on the sofa and drank beer while hating himself. He hated that bus, he hated the army for taking in Bucky and leting steve behind. He hated the fact that his best friend was gone

Of course he had shut his mouth. Of course he didn't say Bucky what he felt for him. What would it have change? Nothing, Bucky would have left him anyway. Maybe he would have stop talking to him, telling Bucky the truth would probably have destroyed their friendship anyway...

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe it will be the occasion for Steve to get closer to Sam and Natasha, maybe he'll be able to meet people, find someone to love…at least for a night. It's been a while since Steve had a lover. It may be the time for Steve to start having fun again, and this time, without Bucky. Steve took his phone and asked t his friends if they wanted to go out with him. That night, Steve spend it laughing, drinking and sleeping with an unknown guy. He usually doesn't do one night stands, but sometimes it can be a good way to forget about bad things going on in our lives.


	2. Thinking about you

Chapter 2 : Thinking about you

Once again, Steve was sick as hell. It was the first time since his mother death, three months ago that he was sick...also the first time he was spending his time at the hospital without seeing Bucky once. He had ended up at the hospital, a fucking pneumonia had struck him and put him in this awful place. He was sketching in his room when he heard a knock on the door. Dr Banner was here, it had been a while since he had seen him, the guy was now working for a big company. He came inside the room gently saying hello with a comforting smile on his face and a look full of pity. Steve hated that look, he hated when people looked at him like he was a poor little kid defenseless and hurt. He his an adult perfectly capable of taking care of himself, otherwise, he would be dead now.

« Mr. Rogers, I heard that you were back here. I bet you missed the food ! »

He let out a chuckle, banner was the kind of doctor who was able to make his patients feel genuinely safe.

« Yeah, and the smell of disinfectant ! »

Steve smirked nicely, joking with Dr Banner was easy, he is the kind of people everybody likes. He left the hospital a few years ago when Tony Stark the CEO of Stark Industries, they work on different stuff like new drugs, or even prosthetic for fallen soldier but most of the stuff they do are only to development basis. Stark Industries is the number one in new technology.

« You seem to be pretty fine for someone who has a pneumonia, but I'm not here to ask for an update on your health state. I'm here to ask you to be a guinea pig for a new medicine. It is supposed to help people like you. People who have a bad health conditions. It could help you get better and say bye bye pneumonia! »

Steve had his eyes wide open, basically Banner is saying that he can give him a complete new health but it's experimental so dangerous. Steve asked for more information, they've talked about that for two hours. Bruce explained everything, he said it could make him stronger because of a small amount of steroids, and others stuff Steve doesn't know. He ended up agreeing for a meeting with Tony Stark, Dr. Banner and Dr. Cho, the three person in charge of this program. The appointment is up for the following Tuesday, here he'll learn what are the risk of this experimentation, the conditions and he will have, in the case he eventually agrees with doing it, to sign a contract of confidentiality and all the usual stuff. All his life he had to take medication for his different disease, and for the first time in a very long time he could start hoping that drugs wouldn't be necessary anymore. It was kind of dream becoming real.

*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*

The night before the appointment Steve did not sleep, he couldn't stop thinking about what the doctors were going to tell him, or what could possibly happen to him if he developed side effects. Those are the thing Steve really apprehend, but deep inside he is 92% sure he will do it. Sam and Nat were aware about this appointment, Sam told him to be careful, that experimental stuff might be a real danger and make his health conditions even worse, while Natasha told him to jump on the occasion if the risk aren't too high. Natasha is a fighter and she wants him to do it. The chances about that are really high.

When the time of the appointment come both of them send him texts to wish him luck. He went to the Stark Tower, a big building in the middle of the city. It was the new symbol of the big apple. It shown the power of his owner. Power of money. Stark had made a few discoveries which revolutionized the entire world, and before becoming a saint who want to heal the world, he was a Death seller. He built weapons, very destructive ones, a few years ago he was the victim of an attack while he was trying to advertise his new weapon for the army, he saw what he had built killing people, he himself have been hurt. Ironically the weapon which almost killed him literally had Stark's name on it. He survived and he is now seeking for redemption.

Steve came inside the big building, the receptionist invited him to take the elevator saying that Jarvis would bring him to the right floor but when he entered the big metal box there was nobody. Then he heard that English accent, first he jumps before understanding that the voice was from a speaker. Jarvis introduce himself as an IA, the blond thought before this day that was just science fiction, that IA were only in the movies but he realized it wasn't true. He gets to the thirteenth floor were a man with a fancy suits, black hair and a very well-cut beard was waiting fir Steve apparently. This guy was the famous Tony Stark, this guys was impressive, only being in his presence made you feel little next to this guy. To his left was Dr. Banner with is brown, grayish hair, brown little eyes, purple shirt and white blouse. On Tony's right was an Asian woman, very attractive one. She was dressed with a weird blue and white dress which looked really fancy on her but would probably look bad on every other women.

Tony introduced himself and then his coworkers, then said how nice it was to meet Steve. Steve thought -knew- It was just to be polite, someone like Tony had no reason to be delighted for meeting someone like the young blond. Anyway, they all sat around a big table and then started to explain everything to Steve, answering to his questions and exposed everything he would have to do if he'd became their Guinea pig. At the end of this long presentation they give him the contract, Steve read it quite quickly, he knew Dr. Banner would not put anyone in danger so he was safe...as safe as it is to test experimental medication. So he signed the contract which said he'd had to write down most of the things he eats, drink and the drugs he took, that he couldn't speak about the medication, so he said he already had told to two of his friends, Tony rolled his eyes at those words asking Steve not to tell anyone else. The blond agreed and kept riding all the thing he had to do among them was bodybuilding. He had to do sport with a coach named Thor. Steve is not an athlete, he've never been a fan of sport, but if it was something he had to do...he would. And then there was a line saying he would have to meet with Dr. Banner or Dr. Cho every two weeks.

He agreed on everything, after signing the contract Tony left him to the hands of the doctors, he followed them in a room full of medical devices. They run tests on him before explaining what pill he had to take and when he had three small bottle of pills of different colors, red, white and blue. One to take before sleep, another on the morning and the last one for lunch. Medication starting the very same day.

Then he left the building and lead back home right away, answering as he could to Nat and Sam while trying not to break any conditions of the contract he has with stark industries. He took the first pill and get to bed just after. He didn't sleep much that night...too busy thinking of the guy who left him in New York streets while fighting bad guys on the other side of the world. He had some relationships since Bucky left...to be true he'd had one! With a guy named Grant Ward. The guy he net the night Bucky left. They kind of dated for three weeks before Steve couldn't take it. the guy was weird and bad. He had punched Steve because he had broken a glass. That night was the last Steve had spend with the guy before going away. It had been scary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the end of the second chapter, please leave a comment :)


	3. Chapter 3

He never thought he'd miss New York that much, his family, his friends. Three months and home already feel like a dream. On of the thing he misses the most his the food and especially coffee. He'd kill for a black coffee. Sometimes, he called his family but the time they could have on the phone or Skype was very short it was never enough. He had taken time to send mails to Steve, trying to keep contact with him. Every once in a while, he and the rest of the 107th still had good time. Every time they weren't on missions, they managed to play card or football and it usually ended with the boy accusing each other of cheating. That's actually why they are called the howling commandos. Bucky found in the army very good friends. He knew he could trust those dorks, at the base as well as on the field. He knew they wouldn't let him down just like he wouldn't let them. The mornings were rough, they were up before the sun, and they needed to do their bed, if it can be called a bed, dressed really quickly and then they had a sport session. Running around the base and then doing push ups just after awaking was the worst part of the day. Then, they eat breakfasts and drink coffee with a really bad taste and then they worked around the base or go on missions, it consisted in saving people on different small villages, arresting bad guys or stuff like that without getting caught or killed during the fight. For now, they haven't gone through bad stuff. Well...Until today. The Calmness couldn't last longer right ?

The 107th had been sent on a mission in a little village as usual, they had to prevent any bad stuff to happen. They amazingly failed. They fell in an ambush. Most of the inhabitants had been either killed or captured, and now was the turn of the howling commandos to be made prisoners. The place they were kept in, with other people, probably the souls of the village they've been taken was cold, moist and dark. They had been locked in cage. They were surcharged in those cold, metallic cells. Time to time a little big guy with a German accent who had absolutely not the face of a terrorist came and took one or two prisoners and they never came back, the only thing we heard from the cells were the screams. The other guards often use the prisoners as punching ball, and more than once Bucky stood up to take the hit for the others, he danced with death more than once, and most of his ribs were broken, and had too many wounds to count them. He will be marked for ever, physically and psychologically. He never thought being in the army would turn that bad. Every time he finally falls asleep, he sees his mother. God knows how much he misses her. If he had enough energy, he'd cry for her.

*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*

It's been nine months since they've been captured, None of them has been chosen to got in the room of hell. Well, until today, the German guy called Zola picked Bucky to be taken. Even though the rest of the team did their best to defend their friend but they were out of number, and they've just been beaten up. So Bucky was taken away and discovered what was doing to the former prisoner. They did experimentation on them. First they inspected Bucky, and start cutting his flesh, they electrocuted him and did many other awful stuff to him. The room smelled blood, and chemicals. Zola approached him with a needle full of who knows what and when the product ran into is veins it was burning. All his nerves where in alert, every part of his body was to painful, and screamed for it to stopped, he screamed, he begged, he cried but the mad doctors just looked at him with sadistic smiles on their faces and did not move. The Sargent collapsed because of the pain. He couldn't take it anymore, when he woke up begging death to take him, the pain was centered in his left arm but he couldn't see what happen. They were testing the limit of the human body and James was at the edge of it. Every thing was hazy, but he could hear gun shots, and the sound of what seemed to be a corps falling down. The US army was here to rescue them.

He didn't know what had happened next. He remembered waking up in a hospital in Germany in panic, not knowing what he was doing here, if he was safe, still in danger, dead or dreaming, with his mother next to him with a look full of tears and pity. Seeing Winifred calmed him down, and then the doctors came in. They announced the bad news, they had to amputate his left arm. How had he not noticed he was missing an arm ? He cried, he panicked, they had to sedated him because he was being dangerous to himself. His mother felt apart, crying fr his boys, and the doctors look at her with pity. His career was over, but it was the last of his problems.

When he woke up he, once again, didn't know where he was, and then finally remembered he had been rescued, and lost his left arm. Winifred was holding his right hand, she looked tired, sad, and had red eyes. She told him they would be back in America in two weeks, and the whole family was waiting for him. She talked about Steve, she had updated Steve on Bucky's condition since he had been captured. Steve had been so worried about his friend, he had cried for him, especially after knowing he had lost his arm. If he had been able to, he would have come to Germany to be here for his friend, but they had to be satisfied with just phone calls. They didn't speak much. Bucky did not have the heart to talk much, and he was easily tired and he also had to call his father and sister. Moreover, it was hard to find time when he wasn't to tired or having a panic attack. He was suffering from PTSD and would have to see a psychologist. He would have medication to take, and see doctors for a prosthetic.

The trip to New York had been exhausting, when he woke up, George, Rebecca, Steve and of course his mother who hadn't left him once were here next to him. And again, they all had tired and full of pity look on their faces. God knows he hated that look, and he knew for sure it would be one of the looks people would give him for the rest of his life now. Apart from their look, he was really happy to see them, even if it didn't show on his face. It was a relief to finally be home, after all the thing he had been through, it was freeing. He had been to hell and back. All the ordeals weren't completely over, and the pain would still be here, like a ghost on his body, but at least it won't be has bad as it was on that creepy lab where he had been rescued. Steve came closer with a sad smile.

« I thought you were dead. »

« I thought you were smaller »

Indeed, Steve had changed a lot since Bucky had left. The program he had followed as guinea pig for Stark industries had made him taller, and stronger. Only nine months had past and the change was obvious. When the visits were over, Steve had to face a bunch of journalists waiting for news of Bucky, and possibly from the rest of the howling commandos. They jumped on every doctors who were getting out of this place. Journalist are like Vulture, they are feeding of the pain and fear of family, making them live their hell over and over again. There is a limit between information and invasion of privacy which is very often cross. Steve found that disgusting. It should be forbidden. He leads back to his apartment where Natasha and Sam were watching a movie, they had settled together in a good apartment, it was good to have people and the three of them had become good friends. They listened to Steve complaining about our society, Bucky state and other stuff before they all hit the bed.


	4. Chapter 4

It's been thirteen months, more than a year since bucky had left, but now he was back and it made Steve really happy. For long he had thought his bestfriend was dead, that he would never see him again. Of course, the Bucky who came back wasn't the same at all, something had died in him. After his classes Steve visited him. A nurse was taking care of him, she saluated Steve, and left.

"I thought this day would have never come, you in a hospital bed, and me by your side!"

Steve briefly smiled before sitting on a chair, looking quickly around, no trace of Winifred. He wondered were she had gone. For days she hadn't left her son. Maybe people had eventually conviced her to take some rest. Maybe Bucky himself made a point of it. He was a bit distant and cold with other people exept Steve. He had tried but somehow when he did first it didn't worked but it also felt unatural. With other people it was just a defense mecanism which he couldn't control, with Steve it was somthing which sound false.

"I wanted to know haw it felt. I definitely don't understand why you came here so often...there is nothing great about here."

Bucky smiled, but his eyes looked sad, it was hard for him to joke, but he tried, for Steve. And the blond knew it, and was grateful for that.

"It's good to have you back. I missed you. No one was here to make me do stupid stuff."

It's not Sam or Nat who could have made him ride the Cyclone for instance. Clearly, they are more soft in their activities.

"I'm sorry, I was busy protecting this fuckin' country..."

He looked sad while speaking of that. He couldn't talk about what had happened to him yet and it was pretty normal.

"What happened to you? You went into a magical machine and get out looking like Captain America?"

Bucky was really intrested in what had turn little fragile Steve in Big confident Steve.

"I've been a guenea pig for a new drug from Stark industries. I had to stop it about a month ago, the side effects had become to hard to bear."

Yeah, almost having a heart-attack is kind of complicate to bear. Plus he had trouble to breath again. So Dr. Banner decided it was time to stop. Now, they new their products were working pretty well, but they had to work on the side effets. However, Steve had kept contact with the whole team. They all had become good friends.

"You? A guinea pig? I thought I had told you not to do anything stupid during my absence!"

"It wasn't stupid...plus, it healed me."

On paper it might be stupid, way more stupid than enlisting. But in the end, he is the one standing and Bucky the one who almost died.

"One of us got lucky...it usually was me. The roles have been reverse. Not a fan of that!"

This time he smiled a little bit more truly than he did before. It was good for Steve to see him smile.  
"Well, each other turn! I can't be the unlucky one for ever right?"

Steve gave him a supportive smile, he looked compatissant. Steve did not stay much longer. Exhaustmant was showing on Bucky's face so Steve didn't wanted to exhaust him more.

Bucky did not wanted Steve to leave but he didn't wanted to be a weight for his friend. He was scared of being alone, he was scared that if he felt asleep he would woke up in the cold cage from where he had been rescued. He wanted compagny, especially Steve's one. He had miss him a lot, and Steve was not looking at him with pity which was enjoyable. Most of the people who entered his room a their eyes full of pity and sadness, they didn't know what to say. Whereas Steve was at least trying to behave has he always did with him. He tried to do sarcasm, and jokes.

Steve spend the night drinking beer with Sam and Natasha, talking and joking. It was nice to have them. He hoped that someday Bucky would be here with them, smiling, laughing has they did still a year ago. Natasha asked for an update on Bucky's state, she didn't know him, but she was intrested because he was Steve friend. She was working since a few months at Stark industries as an assisstant for paper, but she was more of her bodyguard. Natasha was a very strong woman, she knows martial arts. No one wants to piss her of, she has enough strength to put down a small amont of trained soldier. At the end of the evening, she told to Steve that Bucky could maybe have a new model of prosthetic from Stark industries. It was something he could tell him, when he'll be ready. Bucky still couldn't talk about his lost arm, neither about what he had lived, not explicitly at least. He needed time to process what had happen to him, and Steve would give him that time.  
The next morning Steve and Sam went on their usual jogging session – Yeah, those nine months really changed Steve – and after a quick shower Steve went to see Bucky brought him black coffee as he likes it from his favourite store. The nurse was in the rom when Steve came in, he saw the scar on Bucky shoulder, where his left arm should have been. When Bucky saw Steve he got embarassed and hide under the covers, hiding, has he could, his shoulder. Bucky was feeling sick to his stomach, he hated that Steve had seen this horror, he hated himself. And at thta moment, he wished he had died on that cell. As for steve, he had a shock seeing it, but did not let it show, he just gently smiled at his friend, saluated the nurse who left and put down the coffee on the night table next to Bucky's bed.

« You haven't drink one of those in a long time right ? »

Steve is almost certain the coffe in the army is disgusting.

« I'm sorry you had to see that »

Bucky held his shoulder, and looked like a hurt puppy. He was ashamed of himself, and Steve hated seeing Bucky like that. He wants to help him, he will help him, he quite doesn't know how, but he will.  
« What ? your face ? oh, don't worry, I'm use to see it you know… »

That made Bucky laugh just a little, if Steve hadn't have been focused, he would have miss it. See bucky smile and laugh was absolutly great. He wanted to see that more often, rather than see hurt and lst Buky again.  
« Sorry, You could have never seen me again, but I've been saved »

« Don't apologize for that, I missed your head ! »

This probably came out a little bit too much. It made Steve blush, and Bucky felt warm in his cheeks, not enough to blush. Bucky don't blush.

« anyway, have you any ideas on when you'll be out there ? »

Being stuck in a hospital bed suck Steve knows that, but more importantly he wants Bucky t be better and so he can hang out with him again. He wanted to have his best friend back. He'd have to wait two weeks before Bucky can get out. He left him on this point, sadely he had classes to follow.

The ancient greek art is caracterized by blablabla whatever, Steve didn't listened a word of what his teacher had say, he was too busy thinking about Bucky. Do you know the expression far from the eye far from the heart? Well, it's true. Steve had dated guys while Bucky was out of the country, his love for Bucky had faded away, but somehow a little spark in his heart was still burning, even though, he did not realized it yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it, please leave a comment, tell me what you thought about it :)


	5. Chapter 5

Bucky had spent too much time in the hospital. He had had a lot of visits, mostly his mother every time she wasn't at school teaching french. The visits he had enjoyed the most were Steve's. It was refreshing. But now he was finally getting out of this place. It was a relief, seeing the outside world and not from a window, breathing the fresh air, walking, painfully sure but walking on his own, he had missed that. Something he did not miss were crowds....especially journalists. People screaming, pushing you and the lack of private place was horrible. He had had to cross one crowd of journalist once, a long time ago when his father had worked on a very choppy affair. But this time cameras were on him, he had his mother on one side and his father on the other protecting him from the vultures. ''What happened to you?'', ''what were your feelings out there?'', ''why do you think the US army did not rescue you sooner?'' Too many questions, too many flashbacks. 

When they get to the car he was hyperventilating, shaking, his stare unfocused. The silence of the car was enjoyable contrary to the outside. He was having a panic attack, his parents were helping him, making him repeat where he was ''in a car, out of the hospital, in New York.'' He didn't know how many times he had said it but it had worked, he was still shaking, but his breath was more even, and his heart beat was getting normal again. He knew he was safe in his mother's arms. That felt like home, god he had missed Winifred, her, her hugs, her perfume, her voice. He had missed his friends and family for months, now that he had them back, he was missing an arm. Can't he have it all? Obviously not, he will never have his arm again, he'll always be a monster. Yeah, that is what Bucky thought of himself, he was a monster, and he was empty, he felt empty, and angry, and sad, and alone. He thought that nothing good would never happen to him again, there were no way out of this dark place he was standing in. 

The car stopped he eventually get out of his mind. He saw his home, where he grew up. God it was good to see this big house again. He had good memories here, with his parents and his sister but also with his friend Steve. He remembered the first time Steve had come, he didn't know how to act, he had never been in someone's place which was that big, he had never talked to rich people, even less been friend with them. Steve thought they were all assholes who belittled unhealthy people, and they felt superior. Bucky and his family proved him wrong. They were charming with him, he had spent so much time with them, they felt like family. Bucky was so exited the first time he invited Steve, he wasn't used to have friends coming, actually, he weren't used to have friends at all. People were afraid of him because of his father, they didn't let their children play with him. Steve was the first not to care. They had been friends for three years before, all the night had been about playing old video games making pillow castles and eat candy, but mostly laughing. After that every time Steve could, which mean when he wasn't ill, he came here. Bucky missed that time, when they were both innocent, they weren't aware of all the evilness of the world. Now all he saw was the darkness. Enlisting the army had shown him the horror of the human nature. It had cost him his left arm.

*****

It was late when Steve's phone rang. He was surprised when he heard Winifred's voice. She was worried, the tense in her voice was palpable. Steve could here the tears in her voice. Bucky had left the house in the middle of the night, he had had a nightmare and left screaming at everyone. He was having another panic attack and was now lost in new York streets. Steve told him he was going to look for him, he was so worried something would happen to his friend. Steve dressed up in a phenomenal short time. The noise woke up Natasha, she asked what had happened and then she dressed even quicker than Steve and went with him. Sam was still asleep, nothing could wake that man. The building could be in fire he wouldn't notice it. 

New York streets were mostly empty, only few groups of drunk people were walking and animating the streets. Some sirens were ringing and every time Steve was worried they were for his friends. Natasha was gently talking to him, he answered quickly, he knew she was doing that to keep him focused and calm. He was looking everywhere. Looking for a long hair, tall guy. Natasha was doing the same. She is the one who found him, in a small alley, screaming at the walls. Some young people were laughing at him. Steve made them flee away and Natasha try to spoke to Bucky, calm him down, it just annoyed him more and started screaming at her, he was saying nonsense about terrorists. He was pretty scary, and Natasha was ready to kick his ass if he attacked her which he did, he jumped on them, punching with his right arm. Natasha kicked him back, while Steve was trying to control him. He was getting elbow kick in his ribs while asking him to calm down. Repeating his name, where they were, who they were, among other stuff like saying he was going to take care of him. 

''Your name is James Buchanan Barnes, you are in New York. I'm Steve Rogers, your friend, and you're safe.'' 

The last part, when Steve said his own name worked. Bucky had gotten his thoughts together, he was coming back from a very dark place.   
''Steve? What? Where am I? Who's that?''

'' we are in New York street, you were having a panic attack. This is Natasha, my friend and roommate.'' 

Bucky almost looked hurt when Steve said Nat was his friend. He also looked very embarrassed and apologized. He had tears in his eyes, sweat on his forehead, and his whole body was shaking. Steve was holding him. 

''Come on buddy, I'm walking you home.''  
He looked at Natasha. 

''I can take it from here, go home and rest.'' 

He held Bucky 'til they were facing the portal of the house. Steve walked in next to Bucky. Winifred jumped on his son, hugging him in tears. George was on the phone with Rebecca, telling him that Bucky was back. When Winifred finally let Bucky go, she hugged Steve thanking him for bringing her son back. Bucky looked at him with despair, he didn't want Steve to go. He was feeling good around him, feeling safe. Steve had to go, plus he had exams on the morning, this week was going to be rough, especially if he had to worry about Bucky, which he would.   
He left the big house with a hand on Bucky's shoulder and a compassionate look. He wandered on New York streets for a while, before leading back to the apartment where Natasha was waiting. There was not a hit of exhaustion in her face. She always looked perfect whatever time it could be. It was actually even strange. She asked if anything was good or if Steve wanted to talk to someone. He said everything was good and she didn't push farther. Natasha was a really good friend, she never pushed anyone to talk if they didn't want to, but as soon as they were okay to talk she was here to listen and give pretty good advice. Steve went to bed too, he had a hard time finding sleep. His mind was too focused on Bucky's state. He was worried about his friend. He wanted him to be alright and had no idea how to help him...for now. It was late when he finally felt asleep. The next day had been hard, but he thought he still had succeeded his exams. He still had a week of tests to pass but for now it was going well. He had no other choice he couldn't fail them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me what you thought about that chapter :)


	6. Chapter 6

After a horrible week of stress, and revision due to exams, being worry about Bucky and go see him every time he could, he had finally a week of vacation. He could finally get up wake, do nothing all day except staying in front of stupid TV shows or do sport. He came to see Bucky around 2 pm, he was very supportive to his friend. It was hard to see him broken that much. Each time Steve left him, he waited to be out of sight to allowed himself some teary eye and clenched jaw. He was still trying to hold his feelings back, but sometimes it was harder than others. God Steve wanted to be here for Bucky, more than he already was, he wanted to stay close to him be sure nothing or no one would hurt him again. But he knew he couldn't Bucky had to go better by his own way, his friends and family were only here to help him, and of course it would be no good...at least it was what he thought.  
On his third day of vacation, nothing had change in his little days-off-routine. He had woken up, watch TV while eating breakfast, do some sport, showered, went to see Bucky, and prepared dinner for his roommates. Steve had missed cooking, when he had classes time was missing to do all that stuff. He had spoke with Sam and Nat, heard them complaining about their jobs and study. Sam was at police school. Aftera time they went to bed. It was around midnight when a loud knock on the door woke them up. They all got up, it even woke up Sam, which is surprising. They all stand in the door way, apprehending what was behind. It's never really good when someone knocks on the door late at night. All of them were getting ready for the worst. They thought about a policeman coming to announce someone had died. Steve and Sam both looked at Natasha, she could read “go ahead open the door!” She rolled her eyes.   
“Women up guys!!”  
She said before walking towards the door and opening it in big. Both her and Sam looked relieved to see it was not a cop, and were a bit scared when they saw a big man, teary eyes, shaking a little holding his left shoulder. Both of them looked at Steve when they noticed the missing arm. The blond stepped forward, looking very worried, he approached Bucky. He knew he was safe, that Bucky wouldn't hurt him. He was certain about that....but would he spare his friend if he had a panic attack. So Steve walked toward him, and carefully put both of his hands on Bucky's shoulder. He felt the brunette shivering under his palm. Buck looked unharmed but scared and sad.   
“Hey Buck. You're safe here. Come in.”   
He took Bucky's hand and lead him inside, Natasha closed the door and Sam just watched Steve and Bucky sit on the couch. Natasha went to the kitchen and made hot chocolate for everyone while Sam sit on the armchair not knowing what to do. Natasha brought the hot drinks and sat on one corner of the table. 

"This useless guy here is Sam, and the super cool woman here is Natasha, they are both awesome person you don't have to worry 'bout them”  
Steve had seen the suspicious look on Bucky's face toward Sam and Nat. And he also wanted him to feel comfortable around them.  
“What happened? Go ahead, tell me.”  
Steve didn't want to force Bucky to speak, but if he had come here it was for something right? Bucky looked at Sam and Natasha quickly before drowning himself inside Steve baby blue eyes again.   
“I...just...panicked. And you gave me your address and I guess I don't even realized where I was going until you opened the door.”   
At the end of his sentence he looked quickly at Natasha before going black to the blond. Steve was almost happy that Bucky had felt the urge to see him while he was feeling lost and scare. He felt like he was his anchor. He took his hand without even noticing it. Natasha smiled when she saw Steve doing that, and the way he looked at Bucky. She stood up quickly

“Well guys, I'm going to bed”  
“Good night”   
Said Sam before Nat made a sign for him to get out of the room. Steve was thankful to Natasha, it was better if Bucky talked to him only, he is obviously not comfortable around people he doesn’t know and it’s understandable.   
« Those are good persons you don’t have to worry ‘bout them ! »   
« It’s good you’ve found other friends, it’s reassuring to know you weren’t alone »   
Bucky had a sad smile on his face, but he was sincere. Of course Steve had not stayed alone, but he thought about Bucky who had been alone. Alone, scared, hurt. He felt bad for his friend, but he wouldn’t have been able to do anything more. And now, he had no idea what to say, so he just looked awkwardly at Bucky waiting for him to say something.   
« I should go now, I’m sorry that I bothered you and your friends. »   
It wasn’t what he expected, of course Bucky didn’t bother him even though it was quite late at night.   
« Hey ! You can stay here, and you’re not bothering me at all ! I’m your friend, and I’m here for you whatever the time. »   
He was sincere, he would always be here for Bucky. So, he proposed him to stay and sleep here, they had a guest room he could use, and he was more than welcome to use it, and Steve kind of pushed him to stay, he didn’t want to know Bucky alone on New York streets.   
*****  
On the next morning, when Steve got up, Bucky and Natasha were taking breakfast, and Bucky looked surprisingly comfortable. Natasha had superpower, she could make anyone feels comfortable around her, or she could scare everybody.   
« Hey sleeping beauty ! I was talking to Bucky about Stark’s prosthesis ! »  
Steve got scared for what Natasha had said. What if Bucky wan’t ready yet ? But seeing Bucky’s face was actually reassuring.   
« I want in ! I need that ! »   
Bucky’s voice was desperate, he held his shoulder and looked determined. Maybe he was ready, Steve looked at Natasha and sit next to them, he wanted more information, what Natasha had told him wasn’t much.   
« The procedure can be hard to bear, and we got only few people who agreed on doing it, but for now they are going well. »   
It’s experimental, and Steve is kind of worried, but he’ll support Bucky if he does it. Plus, he followed an experimental program so he has no right to be against it, especially since Bucky need that prosthesis more than Steve needed that treatment.   
« If I’m eligible, I’ll do it ! Natasha shown me the prosthesis, they are way better than what they do on hospital ! »   
Again his voice was desperate, he really wanted a new arm, of course it’ll never be has a real one, and it’ll be hard for Bucky to adapt, but his family and friends will be here.  
« It’s your choice pal, and I’ll be here for you, but you need to talk about that with your family ! »   
After breakfast, Steve and Bucky went to talk to Winifred and Georges and them as well were okay with that news if it was what Bucky wanted. After announcing that to his family, he went alone to see his team, the howling commandos. He had so many loving people behind him, there was no way for Bucky not to go okay very fast with all those people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! hope you enjoyed this chapter, please leave a comment and let me know :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so thanks for reading 'til the end (of the line) please leave a comment :)


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